Finishing treatment feels a bit like getting caught in a traffic jam five minutes from your destination after speeding on the highway for six hours. So close, but moving at a maddeningly slow pace at the end of a very long trip. I feel perpetually annoyed. I anger easily and the words I use to describe myself lately include restless and dissatisfied. After a year of living in a constant state of panic, my brain doesn’t know how achieve its previous equilibrium. Nothing is wrong so everything feels wrong.
My understanding is that this is normal. Fucked up, but perfectly normal. I just wish there was a timeline I could follow. A number of days to cross off the calendar until I reach the day circled in red that indicates I’m my regular normal again. But it doesn’t work like that. So instead I think of new projects with which to occupy my time. I work more than I need to. Then I blow off work for an entire day of staring at my ceiling. I spend more time with people until I figure out that I am having a hard time being nice to them, then I spend more time alone. I oscillate.
I don’t think it’s noticeable to people (I hope it isn’t noticeable, if it is, you can tell me) but I am seething all the time. I’m angry and it isn’t directed at anyone or anything, it’s just there. I mask it, but it’s there. I don’t know what to do but forge through until it dissipates.
Things that are helping: Spending time outside. Giving my thoughts a track to race on. Being reminded to be nice. Removing myself from the situation.