Redundant

Were I to have written more frequently over the last two weeks, my posts would have gone a little something like this:

May 20

Tired

May 23

Still tired

May 25

Not quite as tired

May 27

Dear god, I am so tired.

So, you can see why I haven’t been checking in. Talking about how I feel is dull considering these days I exist in a state of either tired or more tired. Marginally (just marginally, mind you) less dull a subject is the severe pain I experienced for a week as a result of the Neupogen injections. I forgot how the injections give me a chronic headache and make me feel like my bones are being broken. But if the drug works to give me a passing neutrophil level for this week’s chemo, I’ll take the pain.

I’ve also avoided updates because I’ve been feeling gloomy and I can’t really put a finger on why. I came home the other night in the dark and I noticed the front garden is a tangle of plants and flowers. All the trees are dripping green and these things should make me happy — I’ve been waiting so long for this — but instead I feel like it happened too fast. I feel like I’m missing things and that makes me sad.

That’s not all it is, but it’s part of it.

After Thursday’s chemo — if Thursday’s chemo happens — I have one treatment left and then I’m done until my as yet unplanned surgery in the fall. Twenty-five days until I finish chemotherapy. It’s hard to believe I’m approaching the end; I feel like I’ve been doing this forever.

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About Alicia Louise

I'm a writer, editor, fact checker, storyteller, events organizer, chronically busy yet endlessly lazy, mildly neurotic (though I keep the neuroses well-hidden, one hopes) 32-year-old with recurrent ovarian cancer. I like people and good writing and straight talk. I have a hard time feeling sorry for people, including myself, but the people that I love, I love passionately; one may even say creepily. I try to keep that mostly to myself. I'd like to be charming, but I'm usually just a mess. I'm like a gull slamming into your windshield.
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One Response to Redundant

  1. Linda says:

    good luck tomorrow!

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