Were I to have written more frequently over the last two weeks, my posts would have gone a little something like this:
Not quite as tired
Dear god, I am so tired.
So, you can see why I haven’t been checking in. Talking about how I feel is dull considering these days I exist in a state of either tired or more tired. Marginally (just marginally, mind you) less dull a subject is the severe pain I experienced for a week as a result of the Neupogen injections. I forgot how the injections give me a chronic headache and make me feel like my bones are being broken. But if the drug works to give me a passing neutrophil level for this week’s chemo, I’ll take the pain.
I’ve also avoided updates because I’ve been feeling gloomy and I can’t really put a finger on why. I came home the other night in the dark and I noticed the front garden is a tangle of plants and flowers. All the trees are dripping green and these things should make me happy — I’ve been waiting so long for this — but instead I feel like it happened too fast. I feel like I’m missing things and that makes me sad.
That’s not all it is, but it’s part of it.
After Thursday’s chemo — if Thursday’s chemo happens — I have one treatment left and then I’m done until my as yet unplanned surgery in the fall. Twenty-five days until I finish chemotherapy. It’s hard to believe I’m approaching the end; I feel like I’ve been doing this forever.