Five more sleeps until cut-time. To prepare, I have been doing sensible things like getting a flu shot (which totally wiped me out and immobilized me for a couple of hours) and stockpiling gravol, and less sensible things like karaoke. It’s all about balance. I’ve made sure someone else can pick up my prescriptions even if they’re narcotics, I’ve made plans for dim sum this afternoon, and I’ve thought about cleaning my room. Basically, all I have left to do is wrap up some work projects and live off clear broth for two days.

People keep asking me if I am scared and I guess I am a little, but not of the surgery itself. I wonder if this is the right decision, or if I should have chosen to wait and watch since the cancer hasn’t visibly changed. What if the surgery does something to the balance in my body and makes the cancer grow faster? What if the Surgeon of Sunnybrook can’t remove everything but has to remove pieces of diaphragm and bowel and I wake up with chest tubes, a bag to collect my shit, and cancer? But I also think about the bad things that could happen if I don’t have the surgery. There’s no right decision to make. Neither is the preferable option. The preferable option is to not have cancer at all. But that ship has sailed (fill in a more appropriate clichéd metaphor if you like).

I am of the mind that there are few decisions that are right or wrong–all the agonizing people do over whether they should do this or that simply wastes time and leaves them more miserable than if they just made a decision quickly and lived with the consequences. I’m not advocating for making mindless choices, but you can only do so much weighing of the costs and benefits of your options before you drive yourself crazy. You can’t predict the future. Just make up your goddamn mind. (My pet peeves: Indecision and Tardiness. Don’t worry, I hate them just as much in myself as I do in others. No double standards here.)

So I guess what I’m saying is that, yeah, I’m kind of scared of surgery and not knowing if it’s the right decision or not, but I’m more scared of annoying the shit out of myself by waffling between decisions.

Updated to add:

Tonetta wrote a song for a cancer patient and it’s making me laugh my ass off. I expect nothing less now than someone writing me a “hang in there, buddy” cancer-fighting song, recording it, and posting it to Youtube. Consider this a challenge.


About Alicia Louise

I'm a writer, editor, fact checker, storyteller, events organizer, chronically busy yet endlessly lazy, mildly neurotic (though I keep the neuroses well-hidden, one hopes) 32-year-old with recurrent ovarian cancer. I like people and good writing and straight talk. I have a hard time feeling sorry for people, including myself, but the people that I love, I love passionately; one may even say creepily. I try to keep that mostly to myself. I'd like to be charming, but I'm usually just a mess. I'm like a gull slamming into your windshield.
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